my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
