Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
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I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
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Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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