Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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