Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
