There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
