I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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