you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
