now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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