rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
