That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
