So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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