I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
