is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
