get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
When are your genitals available?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
