I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
