I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
