How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
