Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
