You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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