I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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