i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
