btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
