so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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