What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize