made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
