I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
