i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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