do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
