So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
