bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
