im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I look better un-naked...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
