If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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