so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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