I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
