this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
