I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
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talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
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Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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