one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
