the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
