walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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