You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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