I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
