I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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