I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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