I wish my penis had an off switch
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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