when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
