she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
