**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
