The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
