Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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