At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
