you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
