I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
