I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
