I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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