Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
