just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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