There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
