I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
